I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
