It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My cat gives me a boner
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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