i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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