that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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