i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
