Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
