You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize