I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
