Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
