you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
