"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
