If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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