My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
