cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
