God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
