Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
