His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
