Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
