Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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