Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
