you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
