Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
