I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
