I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
