I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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