You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
