I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
