Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The adults are the big ones right?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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