If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
