Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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