remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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