I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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