God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
