You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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