I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
