when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sorry about my life...
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