Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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