i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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