This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
