She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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