he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
