Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
