Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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