I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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