she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
