A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
