just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
