I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
