either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
