The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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