Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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