I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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