I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
