1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
