Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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