Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
