im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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