I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
