Me too!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
