erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
