I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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