the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
