omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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