How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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