the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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